A village along the Thai/Myanmar border
Over the last year my life has changed dramatically. The following is an account of what has caused that change. I hope you enjoy it and it isn’t too long for you.
Over the last year God has shown me many things in my life that were not pleasing to Him and began working those things out me. At the same time I felt like He was calling me to leave Mercy Ministries Foundation (MMF), the ministry I had been with the past 7-years in Thailand, but I didn’t know to where or what. It was all very confusing from my point of view. But God knew that all things would come together in His timing.
The first thing that God began to talk to me about is my perspective of ministry and what I consider a successful ministry. At first, as I thought about this questions I thought success would be if the young men I at the discipleship house would begin to desire a deeper relationship with Jesus. Or I thought that if they would begin a daily bible reading program on their own, that would be a sign of a successful discipleship program. But God was showing me that I actually had no control over the hearts of these young boys and whatever happened in their lives would be a result of their choices. So finally I decided that a successful ministry is if I can live out my life according to biblical principals before others. And then I would have to trust God to add the increase. And so that is what I set out to do in the discipleship program.
But I was still confused about why God would be calling me to leave the ministry when the discipleship program was just getting going.
The next thing that God began working on in my life was forgiveness. I thought I was a pretty forgiving person. I didn’t hold grudges against people and always tried to help and consider other people who had hurt me in the past. I didn’t let those past hurts keep me from trying to show the love of Christ to them. But God was going deeper than that. He was showing me that if I had a disagreement with some one, I liked to mull it over and over in mind, giving that person a piece of my mind so to speak. At least in my mind I always won the argument… But God was showing how this affected my behavior toward that person. He called me to forgive them immediately and He showed me how the Cross forgave my sins and the sins of those who’ve offended me. As a matter of fact, if God had already forgiven them before they even committed the offense, than who was I to have issue with them? At the same time He was showing me Mat 16:24 that say “If any man desires to follow after Me, let him deny himself, pick up his cross and follow Me.” If I desired to follow Jesus than the way to do it was to “deny myself.” I had to deny the side of me that wanted to be right. I had to deny the side of me that wanted to justify myself. I had to deny the side of me that wanted to defend myself. And in denying myself I found that in order to do it over and over, even when I felt wronged and mistreated, I had to “pick up my cross.” That is, I had to die to my “self.”
That was very difficult but The Holy Spirit was also showing me that it wasn’t enough just to do these things, but if I wanted to be “perfect” before Him, I had to love in return. So, if anyone did anything to me that I thought was unfair, or just plain wrong, my only recourse was to love in return. And then He showed me that there is no excuse for not doing it. I can’t use the excuse of being tired, for not being loving. I can’t use the excuse that the person has wronged me severely, for not being loving. Or they had disrespected me, or lied to me; or done anything at all to me, for not being loving. God calls us to “be perfect as my father in heaven is perfect.” Yes, he forgives us when we fail, that’s grace, but he doesn’t excuse our behavior. If we desire to follow after Jesus, and I do, than we must deny ourselves, pick up our crosses and follow after Him. That is the only way to follow.
But He wasn’t done with me yet…
At the same time He was calling me in two other areas. First, He was calling me to go deeper in prayer. To spend more time in prayer and for the prayer time to be more structured. I began putting together a plan for what I wanted to pray about, who I wanted to pray for and specifics for them. Then to pray specifically for those things. I had to think about biblical principals behind the prayers and specific promises of God. The second thing He was showing me is What ministry is. I’ve always thought that I was in ministry. At least for the last seven years I had been serving with a ministry. So that was ministry… But He was showing me that there is much more to it. The question that has to be asked is, “When are we not ministering?” Do we ever get to take a vacation from serving God? Do I get to plan on going to the beach and relax and not talk to anyone about salvation? Or not encourage others in their walk with Christ? Can I sit on an airplane and not consider those around me that don’t know Christ? Of course the answer is “No.”
At the same time I was considering these questions about ministry, He seemed to be opening a door for me to serve in a very remote area along the Thai/Myanmar border. It seemed that the door was open to go there, but I didn’t hear any specific calling to go. I had a desire to go but again I had no specific calling. That is when God started showing me that a place is not ministry. I cannot say that I am called to one place, so I don’t have to serve along the way of getting there. I realized that I may have a heart for that place but I may never get there. God can take me home tomorrow; and if He does than I was not called to that place. I realized from this that ministry is not a place but a time. It is where I am right now. Not where I hope to be in the future, because I don’t know what the future holds. Ministry is today. It is right now. Ministry is the person in front of me, beside me, sitting next to me in an airplane or a coffee shop. Ministry is now it isn’t tomorrow because I can’t control tomorrow. I can only control now.
For many of you reading this you may be saying to yourself “duh”, but to me these things were life changing and freeing at the same time. I could be free in Christ to just live for today; Jesus said “sufficient are the cares of today.” Mat 6:34 I could let Him plan my day and take care of everything in it, I only had to “be ready in season and out of season…” Be prepared for that which God has prepared me for.
After all that, which pretty much took God a full year to show me everything and work it into my life, came the testing phase… How well did I learn my lesson. It was about one week after I left the MMF that I was in a car accident. The car accident was severe enough that I was in the hospital for a total of eleven days, two surgeries, six broken ribs and a broken clavicle, and oh yea, be loving and kind through it all, take one day at a time, minister where you are called no matter where you go, and continue to “desire to follow after Him.” That has been the last five months of my life and honestly, at times I’ve done well and at times I’ve faltered. But God has remained faithful through it all.
I’m ready for the next phase, which seems like it is to go back to SE Asia and continue to work along the Thai/Myanmar border. But no matter what happens I am confident that God has prepared me today for what I will face tomorrow. And I wouldn’t change any of it. All I want is more of Jesus. I want to know Him. I want to know everything that can be known about Him on this earth. And that is all I want.